The Mosquito Knows

This gives some perspective...Yea, there are no mosquito doctors to whom mosquitoes take their sick loved mosquitoes or themselves to get treated...they need not save up for such eventualities. If a mosquito wants to go to Delhi or see the Himalayas or go to Peru, it just has to figure out who is going where and perch itself discreetly on their shoulders...the ride is free...Nevertheless, this gives some perspective...a poem from 'The wondering Minstrels'...

 

"The Mosquito Knows"

 The mosquito knows full well, small as he is
 he's a beast of prey.
 But after all
 he only takes his bellyful,
 he doesn't put my blood in the bank.

-- D. H. Lawrence

Something else...

You always want to do something else....when you are in school you look enviously at the independence college goers enjoy...you think your dad is so lucky, he need not go to school...When you are in college you look back fondly at your days at school...you long for the friends lost until their memories fade away and new ones take their place...You look at your seniors landing jobs and think "20k per month; life cant be bad then"...Then you start working...A few weeks into work you look back at college like it happened ages ago...you wish engineering had been a 5 year course...As the years roll by, work ceases to interest you as much as it did in the beginning (for some this happens much more quickly, some never reach a stage where their work fascinates them). You wish you'd rather be on a ship headed to the Arctic, or take pictures of Nilgiri Langurs hanging off trees in the forests of Kerala, or just go off and live in a shack by the beach in Goa, swimming whenever you want, just laying back drinking beer and reading whenever you want. You prepare yourself for such an eventuality...you do random courses which you think will give you credibility when you set out to do something besides technology. But you dont take the plunge...You wait.. You build a safety net beneath you...You think you need multiple zeros in your bank account before you can experiment. You put life on hold. Time passes by. Real fast. You tell yourself, "Next year, i'll definetely take a sabbatical and try a different line of work." And the "next years" pass by.

But this time, 'next year' is going to be 'the' year. You know technology is your bread and butter. Not just that, there were times, rather years, when work was the single most important thing in life, not out of necassity, but out of choice and inclination. Its been nearly 7 years now. You ought to go out, take a look at other things, play out some other pages in life, and come back with the kindof zeal you had a few years back...or, maybe, discover something else that excites you more...and do that until that loses its charm (yea, with time, everything loses its charm, and you cant be non-cynical even when you are discussing a fantastic virtual future for yourself).

And late next year you may come back and read this while uploading pictures of the elusive big cats in Perambikulam wildlife sanctuary, or read it with a wry, sad smile on your face, from your office, after having succumbed to a really bright carrot that offered itself as a virtual bait to strengthen the 'all-too-important' safety net beneath you.

A drinking song

A poem i got from "The wondering minstrels" (http://www.cs.rice.edu/~ssiyer/minstrels/), and
liked. Its a subscription thing, and at times you could get some amazing poems. I can only read
poems (must admit quite a few of the eclectic ones go over my head), would never try writing
non-prose...

"A Drinking Song"

Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
That's all we shall know for truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you, and I sigh.

-- Willam Butler Yeats

Drunken post...again...

I entered 'diesel'. That's a pub in chennai. I normally dont go to pubs. I hate loud music. I thought
"What shit?"...You can't have a conversation. It is too loud. You can't see the people you are with.
It is too dark. A collegue had come down from mumbai. The last time i went out with that person and
a few others, it was fun. So, was kindf ok to go again though i wud've preferred to go to restaurant that
serves booze, to a pub. Anyways, a few beers down, and a shot down(of something, i dont remember
it's name, was raw alcohol with some icecream kindof thing on top), the music started playing in my
head. I was sitting and dancing at the same time. It was fun. I still prefer it to be quiet...that no noise
disturb me from the peace of a 'high', i could kindof relate a lil more to why ppl go to noisy places
to have a drink.
Am headed to the marina beach...a friend from college is waiting outside work...i hope i am not
apprehended for being a drunken passenger(u can never be sure of the rules)...
And i realize that i have this inexorable pull towards writing some shit whenever i am drunk...

Lonely planet??...

A part of a particular song has been constantly ringing in my head for over a week now..

it is from a soon-to-be-released tamil movie 'Pudhupaettai'... (a Selvaraghavan/Dhanush/

Yuvan Shankar Raja combo)...

 

"iruttinilae nee nadakkayilae un nizhalum unnai vittu vilagividum,

 nee mattum thaan indha ulaginila unakku thunai ena vilangividum.

 theeyoadu pogum varaiyil,

theeraadhu indha thanimai..."

 

which translates to

 

"when you are walking in the dark, even your shadow deserts you,

 you'd realize you are your only companion in this world.

 until you reduce to ashes,

this solitude would not end..."

 

And at many levels, this made a lot of sense...

 

And then i went to my sister's picture uploads in flickr...she had an album called 'Takes two

to tango' with a random set of twosomy pictures (like a pair of feet, she and her husband, she

and me, she and her dog etc)...for the album's description, she had a Ray Charles song...

 

"You can get very old by yourself
Catch a fish or a cold by yourself
Dig a ditch or strike it rich
all by yourself
There are lots of things that
you can do alone
But it takes two to tango
Two to tango
Two to do the dance of love.

It Takes two, I say two
Darling it always takes two
I’m with you

- Ray Charles."

 

And this made a lot of sense too:)....

 

 

 

Parallell realities...

When someone spells out the same thoughts that you thought, it has an endearing effect. I've never felt the need to

sympathise with autistic kids or mentally underdeveloped people. They do not belong to the realm that we perceive as

real, normal and fully functional. They have their own realities. But then, we do not belong there. So we're even. At times, i even

envy them (but quickly reason out thinking their worlds would have problems too). Anu (Shabana Azmi) in a scene in '15 Park

avenue' questions our right to try and get these people back to our perceived reality. Meethi's (Konkona Sen) psychiatrist offers

a logical explanation for that, but logic is never convincing enough on such issues. That scene struck a chord, and after that i got into a state

where i could find nothing wrong with the movie (rightly, or not rightly, so). It was an intriguing movie...some strings were let loose, and

the incompleteness added to the beauty...well, it wasnt incomplete in the real sense...one person gets a closure and the rest begin

their search for something that doesnt exist...

quite a few in the theatre were laughing out for the wrong scenes...i cudnt relate to that...they wouldnt relate to my perception of the

movie...not that it matters...nor wat i think about them matters...parallell realities...subjective....

Happy? New year

It is a little late in the day. It is all manufactured anyways, so whats the big deal...for whatever it is worth

new year wishes to anyone who drops by...

 

New year eves were so much fun back in Trichy, when i was a school kid...Dad was this social butterfly...

some 7-8 neighbouring families would get together at my home (ofcourse i chipped in for the PR work, but Dad

was the prime mover)...there were quite a few kids who were kindof peers, and we managed to have some real

good fun.

 

Back then festivals were fun as well...one of the first things i used to do every Jan was to check how

far away Diwali was. During Diwali, we had this undeclared contest in our street for bursting the 1st cracker of the day.

Almost every time, it was won buy this school senior of mine called Jayashree, who lived in the last house in our street.

Her standard cracker-time was 2:30 am...cant beat that. I never made a real effort to win it, but even i used to be up by

3:30 or so. During the day, everyone went around everyone else's houses eating free sweets (we had to offer sthing different,

dad was an out-of-the box thinker..so we would give visiters salted-boiled peanuts...and that would be such a relief for the

sweet-weary tongues).

 

And Pongal (Shankranthi) meant getting up early to walk the streets of Bhelpur (the colony where i lived) to have a look at the

rangolis (entries for Bhelpur's rangoli contest, we never won it). There would be this colony-wide competetions. Mom used to

sing (and some of use used to cheer for her, she was good, and won it a couple of times)...Dad used to sing too (and i would

be embarassed...he wasnt particularly good, but was a good sport)...and at times Sis used to sing too (she was good). I was

never anything more than an onlooker, except the one time when i came 2nd in the musical chairs contest:)...

 

Coming back to now...festivals have ceased to matter...sometimes it is good to be part of a whole, to celebrate when everyone

else celebrates, and not question it or reason it out...except that i cant get myself to do it...at times i envy people who have

managed to retain the idea of festivals and celebrations...ppl who, on Diwali day, get up early, bathe, wear new clothes, and pray

and eat together. I am not sure if i can ever be that again.

 

It is not just about festivals. As a kid, i used to go to this temple in our colony daily, and it felt good. Even in college i used to

go to our college-temple almost daily. Now, i think of God as man's creation, as a replica of some kindof external conscience. So

prayer and God have ceased to appeal to me. I dont find it reasonable to go to a temple or pray or do anything that involves delegating

your problem to someone besides yourself. This is surely the right way to live, but this has taken away a pseudo-crutch that i could've

used at times.

 

Like that guy in 'Matrix' says, sometimes, ignorance is bliss.

Sadly, the path from ignorance to realization is one-way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Afloat

Haywards 5000 is good...reallly good...shit i'm drinkin so frequently...it is a humungus effort to write gramatically right sentences when u're drunk...

and it is a little more difficult to use the right spellings....but if u decide to write a gramatically right post with correct spellings and all that, it is

still possible(i am proof, but will check it trrow if my claim is worth it, i must have pressed backspace a million times)...

But i fail to understand how people get away with crappy stuff like rape and murder claiming they were drunk...murder is atleast ok...but i think your

moral sense of what is right and wrong will be intact even when u're drunk...if someone can rape when he is drunk, he cud also rape when he is sober...

The judiciary shudnt care whether a subject was drunk or not when he commited the said crime..

Anyways, am chatting with someone i've felt closest with, and the person  is away fixing a crash...so thot i'll make an inane post...will come

back here t'rrow and knock it off it doesnt make sense...but haywards 5000 is really good and am really high...am glad my office prvides shelter and

mattresses for drunks...

 

Bliss, extended?

Have you heard music that stirs your soul, plucks at your heart-strings, and before you can grasp what it is, it fleets away. The way

it comes in the background in some movies, beautiful and fleeting, and leaves you yearning for more. The music that flows in 'Sarfarosh'

whenever they show Naseeruddin Shah doing 'rihaaz' in his 'pushthaini' mahal or the one that flows in 'Devdas' as Madhuri prepares to dance

or the pieces scattered around 'Utsav' or the brief piece of tamil song that plays in 'Kaadhal kavidhai' when Prashanth enters a music shop

in England. All these have a magical quality...

 

I am just back from a Shubha Mudgal concert (part of 'The Hindu' NovemberFest music festival). I first knew that she existed when i saw the

video of 'Ab ke saawan'...and i bought the cassette.When i heard the album, i fell in love with her voice (and more with her song

'Bhai re, rishthon ki dagar hai mushkil'). Today's was a concert of 'Khayal', 'Thumri' and 'Dadra' (semi-classical styles, google helped me

know this). I dont know the next thing about Hindustani music, just went cos i like her voice. When the concert started, the music sounded

like those magical fleeting sounds i had mentioned earlier. Except that they dint go away. To start with, it felt surreal and i could've levitated

if i wanted to. This was what i had always wanted. When those movies used to replace heavenly music with human chatter to take the story

forward, i used to curse the director and wished the music played for ever.But here, as the music persisted, it changed from this magical

soul-stirring music to just good music and an impeccable rendition from a perfecionist. I enjoyed the concert all the same.

 

I guess the impact that those pieces of music i talked about earlier have,  have as much to with their beauty as they have,

with their brevity. Bliss cannot be extended, and if you try to, it ceases to remain bliss, it would be just lazy happiness or

sometimes, boredom. Extremely beautiful music is brief, and so is orgasm and so are flight take-offs, and Tequila shots are small.

It is probably the pattern of the world, and it feels right too.

 

 

Sunshine in my life

Right now, that would be Table tennis (ping-pong). I had learnt this game formally as a school kid and used to play in the competitive circuit till college happened (strangely, i started playing at the insistence of my sister cos her friend played it and he was kindof a school hero; she never accepts it though). Stopped playing somewhere along the way...

I had gone to watch the Tamilnadu state championships last year...met some old friends that i had played alongside as a junior...they were playing in the Men's category and were working for the government (Postals/LIC/Agriculture dept and the like)...they had all taken up TT as their profession...i was thrilled to see all those people after such a long time...and was happy to see some high quality games...he proceedings excited me enough to think about getting back in the circuit...Chennai is a very-high-competition zone for TT (Bengal and TN can stake claims for being the TT capital of India, other states are way behind)...i could at-best hope for a 2nd or 3rd round entry (an opening
round exit is more like it:)...but things are different now...i would not be crying after losing a round like i did as a junior...i would not be too tensed during a match...and the entry fee would not matter much...

I went to this club called YMIA-Mylapore and told them that i wanted to practice there regularly...one of the guys in the club politely told me that they would not be able to accomodate me. To be taken in there u shud either be under 5 yrs of age or should be a currently ranked player in some state.(i had played a senior nationals for pondicherry some 8 yrs before...but then that was a long time ago and i knew i wud be rusty). But that guy was decent enough to refer me to a club close to where i live. I am glad he did that...thats where i play these days, with a bunch of
school kids...it is housed in a school called V.V.V in beasant nagar...and it boasts of a number of ranked players in the junior categories (the top one being the TN Junior girls' No:1 called Niveditha...she is a 11th standard kid, and she beats me hands down..)...It is a lot of fun...to play with a bunch of kids for whom TT is the most important thing in life, is nice...i can totally relate to that feeling...i've been there...beyond a point i never knew vacations...summer vacations meant Intensive TT coaching camps...I dint achieve much though...i was in Trichy, and to be something
in TT in TamilNadu, u got to be in Chennai (thats my excuse:)...but travelled a lot and made decent money (for a school sudent, any money is good money:)...

Anyways thats that...work prevents me from playing the ranking tournaments regularly...i still manage to play some matches once in a while and surprise myself(and a lot of others:) by winning some...it is such a nice feeling to win competitive games...i had nearly forgotten it...it is still extremely rare for me(i won only 2 good matches in the past year), but it is atleast not non-existant, and i give myself a chance to pull it off once in a while...

Diwali, orphanages, and acts of 'charity'

If i was an orphaned kid living in an orphanage, and if a group of strangers decide to celebrate Diwali with me(and the other inmates), i'll start wondering "What do they think we are? A distraction available once a year to make people feel good about themselves?". But i am not in that kid's shoes, and cant begin to imagine his mindset.

Folks from my company celebrated Diwali last evening with the kids of a home for orphaned and handicapped children. I did not go because such acts look like sacrilege to me. I call it sacrilege because it is a one-evening-stand, an indulgence whose motive needs some more soul searching. The recipe for the kids' 'evening of joy' was crackers, chocolates and games. In the din of the ensuing Diwali our folks will forget the kids, the kids will forget our folks. Life will go on.

I do beleive in the idea of taking some social responsibilities. It is not a level playing field to start with. Some are lucky to have parents who think, educating their kid is important. (besides, that kid was plainly lucky to just have parents around to fend for it when it was a child). Some are'nt. There are organisations that make an honest attempt to show such kids a way. The idea of able people helping out these organisations monetarily and/or otherwise, to
carry on their jobs, appeals to me. I am not romantic enough to think that if a penniless, parentless kid is relentless enough, it would go from the streets to the banks without help. Such cases may exist, but that cannot be an excuse to shy away from what we could possibly do. But there is something about the idea of a bunch of strangers spending an evening with orphaned or handicapped children that does not ring right.

I might be totally wrong here. Folks from my company say that it was nice to see those kids laugh and play and burst crackers and do such rosy things. Such intermittent sun shines(?) in those kids' life is probably good for them. I dont know. I fail to be convinced though.

Casablanca

I am a little tipsy. And no, i am not talking about the Moroccan city. 'Casablanca' is this nice

restaurant close to where i work. It has this noisy pub (called Zanzibar) attached, that i dont enter. But the

restaurant is nice. Good food, not-so-loud music, and comfortable chairs..yes, comfortable chairs...and well Kingfisher

tastes the same everywhere.

They say, alcohol lets u be your natural uninhibited self. Going by that, i am a happy guy. Cos i smile a lot when i am

drunk...and i keep laughing out aloud when i am very drunk (today i was just smiling..actually, i am still smiling:). I actually

think ppl get very conscious when they are drunk, not abt what ppl think about them, but genlly about wat they do...walking back

to work, i was keeping track of whether my right foot was forward or left...now, you dont do that when you are sober, do you?

If this post sounds incoherent, i blame it on the alcohol...aadaab...

Muted

I think i've run out of conversation. These days, when i meet/talk to people, i simply wait for them to come up with something for me to respond to. If

they dont say anything, an awkward silence follows. At times i resort to some polite conversation and keep searching for a way to end

it and flee. The only exceptions are a few really close friends with whom there is no need to 'think' of what to say next, there's so much common

ground available. And ofcourse, there are the group-timepass-talk sessions which are fairly effortless. Its weird cos i used to be fairly garrulous and an

active 'company' seeker.

 

I think 60 is a very high value for human lifespan. 30 is more like it. Not too short. Not long enough to run out of things to say. But then, we should hit

puberty at 4, have an active partner from 8. Better sense should prevail at around 20, and you separate and spend the last 10 years as a gypsy, and

die an anonymous death in a beautiful place, with your desire to continue living still intact(Ofcourse, there will be serious academices/scientists who

invent, advance technology, for the betterment of people like me). I think that is important..to die when you still want to live. Everything has a shelf-life...

relationships, love, desire for existence, life. Being separated from something/someone when you still want to hold on to it/him/her gives it a profoundness

you can treasure.

 

Back to reality, and i keep away from prospective friends and phony conversations.

Kolkota eludes..

Intended to be in Kolkota this 'dusehra'. Had bought a kolkota road-map and a travel guide for that. Planned it too late, travel costs went beyond budget, so had to drop it. Ended up spending sizeably on maps, travel guides and the like (a generous part of it going to lonely planet - india guide). And am just sitting in chennai, in my room, typing this...anyways, would be going to Muliyangiri sometime this month...

Had been too busy to blog till a week ago...My work requires me to either move forward in full-throttle or turn my engine off and cruise along...am in the second mode now...

And yea, finally started posting in my travel-blog (http://jerknees.blogspot.com )...

Batch of '71..photos from the past

There were these photos that were sent to my school alumni mailing group. A bunch of b/w photos of folks from the batch

of 1971...sent by one of that batch's guys. Some faces had names...some were left blank...it felt kindof surreal to look at

those pics and at my school (the school in question is called RSK Higher Secondary school, Trichy).I had this urge to go

home and pick up my class photos and have one long look at each of them (and probably check how many faces i manage

to map to names). Its been 10 years since i finished high school, and it feels spooky to think of reaching a stage when it

would be 34 years beyond high school.

One of the photos carried a pic of one Hemalatha Thyagarajan(HT). She went on to become a Math prof at REC trichy. She was

called HyperTension(HT) in REC cos of her temper. In 11th grade i was attending her IIT Math classes, and was ousted from her

class. (She produces a few IITs every year, she used to, not sure if she still teaches. For a small town like Trichy, that is

something. She commanded a lotof respect from our school's intelligentia - deservedly so).She bluntly asked me to leave the class

and not to come back (i had flunked one of her tests real badly). She thought i was not IIT material and thought aloud(and rightly so).

I kindof dealt with it quite ok i guess...i gave up on the idea and started playing Table tennis with ruthless abandon...and then the rest

of my life until this point happened (which had very little to do with TT or IIT)...

Anyways, those photos brought back some bitter-sweet memories...and kindof makes me want to get back in touch with some school

buddies who were close pals back then (some, witnesses of the 'ouster' act!)...meanwhile there is code to be written, deliveries to be made,

and a job to be kept...lets see how long this thought stays and how far i go with the idea...

 

mads, if u're reading this, thanx for passing those photos along..

 

Rechristened

I never really liked the earlier name ('To be continued'). For one, it wud've become factually wrong at a later point...and like a friend who commented somewhere on this blog, 'what am i, a soap opera?!!'...Anyways, 'Enroute cemetery' is pretty much an absolute (well, almost, i mean unless i perish in an avalanche or a landslide, i'd most probably head to a crematorium, not a cemetery). But I kindof relate more to the concept of burying the dead. At times you'd want to run away and seek refuge in a place, a physical entity, which is strongly symbolic and representative of a dear one who has gone away...at times you'd want something more than just memory to hold on to...
Now, why am i talking about death, its imminence and (the aftermath?). I dont know. I never discuss such things when i am sober, but then, exceptions are common. 'Tuesdays with Morrie' says 'Be open to discuss death, reconcile with the concept of death and be prepared' or sthing to the effect. (am not particularly fond of that book, it was too didactic and sappy for my taste, but then parts of it were hard-hitting and thought-provoking). Anyways, thought i'd have a title that is definetive about where i am headed. Like someone said, 'In the long run we are all dead'.

On my way..

Four stamp-size photos, a hastily filled application, a search operation(to get my hands at my degree/marksheets etc), two

cheque leaves and a 5km bike ride later, Mr. Mariappan of Southern college (Mysore univ, contact centre) had one look

at the stack i gave him and said "This is spot admission, you'll get your admit-card in 10 days".

While this is, in every way, unlike spotting your registration number on JEE results published (pretty much anyone with a degree

and 15k on him will be admitted!), i did allow myself to let out a silent 'yippie':).

Finally finally...

I've been toying with the idea of studying something related to earth sciences like geography/geology for quite a while. The idea is this...4 yrs down the line i should be
in a position to leave this indusry and go to the edges of the world on expeditions on work!!...Tall ask, i know...but things ought to start somewhere (a liberal dose of expedition-watching on 'Adventure one', and confounded expressions on my face when i go on treks with learned guys who talk about the flora and fauna around the trail when i am thinking 'this grass is so green and that flower is pretty', might've triggered this).

Anyways, went to the Mysore univ distance education study centre today...wasnt a good outing...was not eligible to apply for geography or geology (both needed corresponding bachelors' degrees). The only thing i could apply for (closest related to wat i want to do) was Geoinformatics. The syllubus included interestng words like Digital cartography, Mapping, photogrammetry, Remote sensing and the like....so just went ahead and bought the application...would be applying this week (there's no test or anything...i dont think they reject applications for distance education, considering that they charge 15k per annum - i paid 3k per annum for my engineering degree!!)...

Am looking forward to being in a classroom, and having things like lab-exercises after a 6 year gap. This may not take me to the Arctic, but might get me closer to being on the crew of 'A1's' India diaries!!...

The boy who asked for more

This was the title of a non-detail lesson we had in English (in 6th grade i think). It was an excerpt from 'Oliver twist', about the part where Oliver asks for more porridge.

I dont know why i had to think of this. Just that i created two more blogs...
Parallell worlds - A record of my favourite movies, books and offerings from the tube. I'll try and maintain its currency as much as possible.
Foot prints - My travel diary.

I am realizing that blogging is a time killer. I used to play a lot of carroms in the week days and do lotsof work in the weekend. Now, i play a lot of carroms in the weekdays and read/write blogs during the weekend. This is not going to work. Got to do some damage control...

Rain rain come again

Chennai received showers yesterday...and the sun is reluctant to come out today as well.
Went off to the beach the moment it started raining...and swam for more than an hour...sea was rough, water was cold, and it was raining, that is a near perfect setting for a swim(for me). One of the guys in the beach wanted to join me...i was a little hesitant...cos, while i know enough swimming to save myself even if the sea gets mighty rough (that's what i'd keep thinking till i perish some day in the seas:), i was not too sure if i can pull an adult along if things go wrong. Anyways there are no rules, he tagged along..i warned him that the sea was rougher than normal...thankfully there were lotsof shallow spots...after going a little inside, fear (and sense) got the better of him and he wanted to head back...getting back to the shore is normally the much tougher part, swimming in is fairly simple. Sea, like women, draws people in quite easily, the difficult part is to get back to where you started, unscathed and intact!!..After some drama, he did make it to the shore. (not drama really, u just need to get used to the fact that the big waves will get the better of you often, and u just need to give in, not panic, and you'd resurface).
He said he'd join me next weekend as well. Lets sea...