Hello again, world

I’ve been light and happy for way too long. It is beginning to get a little unnerving. It is almost like I’ve deserted my life’s script and got into somebody else’s. From being a grey bearded entity who takes off on long vacations and unplanned solo trips, I’ve transformed into someone who’d wear an ironed purple shirt with khakhis, and drive with his wife for a distant relative’s shashtiapthapoorthi. Thankfully, the ironed purple shirt is still from Khadi. And a reasonable chunk of what I used to be, I still am.

So, between the last post and this, I fell for someone, pursued her, and got married in July '11. And i am discovering that married life isn't as scary as I imagined it to be. It’s nice to have someone to hang wet clothes with. Someone to hold your bag when you fiddle with your keys to open your house’s door. Someone to share vodka, darkness, life and secrets with (if this sounds familiar, thanks for being around this blog for so many years ).

And life outside marriage continues to exist. I still get my weekend games of ultimate. I still get to drink at GP with friends of 12 years. And get lost in Nagalapuram and swim in the accidentally discovered waterfall/stream with friends I used to get lost in Tada with.

But amidst all this being light and happy, I miss the intensity of emptiness at times. I miss this urge to stand at a precipice and shout like Tarzan. I miss this thing that drove me to write innumerable weird drunken posts past 3 am, most of which never saw the light of the day. I know I ought to say ‘good riddance’ and be thankful for the place in life I am at. For most parts I do just that. But there is this masochistic part per million that refuses to fall in line…

Bhaawra mann dekhne chalaa ek sapna...

I am not sure why i gave this title to this post. Except that this is my 'current' all time favourite song. And ever since i saw this video of the Sahyadris with this song playing in the background, i've been itching to be in the Western ghats in the monsoon.

I turned 31 this week. 31 sounds infinitely older than 30. G and i share birthdays. So, after a non-celebrating dinner with her, i spent my birthday midnight clapping hands and singing the customary song while she cut her b'day cake at the 'surprise' party her friends had put together for her. For the 31st, i would've thrown a birthday party, if i had a wife, and a mistress, and i wanted to appear happily married to all and sundry. Since i had no such motivations, i let it pass.

But such days do serve as points that make you sit back, and take stock of where you are and where you want to be. I had a bunch of contradictory wants at 30. I have a bunch of contradictory wants now. Age doesn't seem to give me wisdom, the way it is supposed to. From young and stupid, i am simply growing into old and clueless. I did move countries. One of the wants at 30. But I've been having more of the 'What the fuck am i doing here?' moments. Not that i didn't have those back home. But i'd find instant comfort in the urine bathed Karl Shmidt memorial, and the warm waters of the Besant Nagar beach, a 10 minute ride away. It doesn't help that my life's all-important happiness-giver, sport, has been missing in action. The injury from that simple fall has a fancy name now, Rotator-cuff tendonitis, and is showing signs of hanging around for a while. So, instead of waiting for it to heal, i decided i'll turn leftie. I am starting out by learning to shoot at least 2 pointers with my left hand, so that i can play Basketball with a bunch of college buddies. Also planning to resume playing Ultimate Frisbee tomorrow, throwing only forehands and catching with my left hand. It should be fun, and would be nearly like learning a new sport, the left hand aspect that is.

On the surface, i've been having an alright time. Hanging out with college junior Balaji and college roomie Swami at Castro every once in a while. Also, did this trip to Yellowstone with Swami, Sudhir and Heman, friends from undergrad days. It's hard to beleive that it's been a decade since college. It was an awesome trip, and all the more fun, thanks to Sudhir/Heman's kid, who was a total entertainer. Yellowstone was very pretty and all, but we probably would've had as much fun sitting under a random tree and catching up.

But i've kind of decided this is not the place i want to live and grow old in. There is something missing with life here, and i can't quite place my finger on that. When push comes to shove, i'll pack my bags again. And it'll come to shove latest by the early part of next year. Until then i shall find ways and means to amuse myself. I intend to take a year's break before 35. I am increasingly inclined to do that earlier rather than later, so that'll probably be my next step. I have a vague business idea. It is something i can work on on my own while i am on the move. I am not sure if it'll give me any returns. And i have this huge mind block against being an entrepreneur. But i want to try it out, any which ways. We have one life after all.

K wished me peace, and all the travel i want, for the year ahead. I think, travel, at least, can be arranged. Hoping to spend my 32nd, sitting by a glacial river, and sipping chaai, adhrak maar ke...

ps: Dear annoyed anonymous commenter. After alcohol and coffee, i've now moved on to ginger tea. Pliss to go easy on me this time around...

Good bye 20s, Hell! Oh' 30s?...

30. Officially old. Officially unattractive. Happy birthday to me :).

With some effort i can see my scalp. Though, from far, i'd seem to have a head full of hair. Everything looks prettier and more wholesome from far.

A recent celebrity dream. I've had them before. But, it's usually just the deed. No run ups, no frills. They're purely functional in nature. Aimed just at hormonal balance. This one was different. A U-Certificate celebrity dream. Late night conversations with Trisha in Thirvanmayur beach. Coffees. MTC bus rides (a definite impact of the 'Aayutha ezhuthu' sequence). We even stood at my favourite bridge in Muttukaad, watching the sun go down. I woke up with a kind of light-headed happy feeling. The kind you get up with when you're in a nice lazy relationship. Or an illusion of being in one, looking forward to the day, looking forward to seeing the face you want to see. I've been there before. But it's been a while and i'm out of touch. So this was a nice dream to dream.

Back to reality. Confounded by a bunch of criss-crosses. Like umpteen others...

Hang on, do better at the current job. Make up for possibly the worst work year in 9 years.

A viable business idea. Quit. Execute it. Be on the move, seeing new places while at it. See how it goes..

Move to the US. Do a part-time Geo course. Spend weekends surfing in Half-moon bay and Santacruz. Get real good at it.

Start a Table tennis school. Cater to cash-rich corporate men/women. And to kids to whose life sport will make a difference. With a proper operational plan, ensure it doesn't go into charity mode and ensure that the kids have their pride and self esteem intact.

Marry? Even have a daughter at some point maybe? Have a family to support and be supported by. The whole nine yards.

Take a year off. Travel around India by the most economical means. Document it. No wordy paragraphs. Just facts. To aid other travellers. And pictures, yes.

Many wants. One life.

Here's to hope, and the road ahead...