Saturday, August 08, 2009

Washerman's dog...

I meet friends. Over brunches, dinners, beers and butter scotches. B and S being the most available ones. For now. Until the former goes back to his research in Alabama, and the latter's wife comes back to him from India. We talk of important stuff. Like professors, arrears, and whether the dal in our mess food, that we ate 10 years ago, had enough salt. I meet my ex, who tries to convince me that i should shop for a current. Whenever the episode she is watching, of 'Raakhi saawant ki swayamvar', on youtube, gets boring. I try and offer comparable comic relief in my responses. I fail. Of course i fail. How can i possibly compete with 'Usne kahaa TV nahin kharidega, washing machine kharidega, thaaki mai kapde na dhouun. Mere mann ko sukoon mila'. There are apparently many such gems. I can't digest reality TV. Unless it comes with free home-cooked dinner, which is a premium these days..

I play out this scene in my head. Once in a while. My boss calls me to his office. And tells me he has decided to let me go. I am not saddened. A little surprised, yes. Though i am doing just about enough to keep my job. A little less, maybe. But I come out feeling kind of liberated. In the next frame, i am standing on a platform in Central station in chennai. My loyal orange-black rucksack on my shoulders. And no agenda in my head. Waiting for the train that would take me to Delhi. From where i'd be taking a bus to Manali or Nainital. Depending on which one i manage to find a seat on first. I'd be sitting by the window. Taking in everything that comes in through it, greedily. The breeze. The clatter. And the snatches of homes that disappear as rapidly as they appear. I am reminded of this bus ride from Manali to Delhi. A few years ago. P shakes me off my sleep and makes me look out of the window. Amidst absolute darkness, there are these rectangular boxes of light. Evenly lit homes on a hill's slope. It was a surreal sight. That's my most vivid memory of that entire trip. I snap back to the 'here and now'. I wouldn't walk away from what i have, but would be relieved to be pushed out. It doesn't make sense. Or does it?

Some days i wonder if I am holding on to shreds of life i don't care for, and letting go of things i do. But some days i get up with, besides bad breath and a back ache, something that could pass for clarity. And head to work with a sense of what could pass for purpose. Those days aren't all that rare, and compensate for the listlessness of the rest. A good technical discussion here, a good customer bug fix there, and i have bouts of enthusiasm for work. The work that has given me the luxury to fret over imagined angst. And so i hang on...

16 comments:

Parth said...

Do you feel a lack of sense of purpose?

frissko said...

Parth - Just torn between opposing courses of actions to follow. I should stay away from blogs in moments when things seem a little south of sanity :) (this post makes things seem much bleaker than they are! like i said, imagined angst only..).
And i got to shop for some distractions, i thrive on them...if not sport, got to find something less injurious to the body :)...

Anonymous said...

ever thought of the possibility that you are hung up on "ex" or P or someone else?

K

frissko said...

K - what was that?!...anyways all that is way in the past, and i could happily fancy a random woman sitting two tables away...this is just career and geography confusions...(but yea, at the risk of sounding callous, a companion would be a more potent distraction than sport or sea)

symphonyofthesoul said...

I liked the caption of the post. And I chuckled when I translated it in Hindi!

plush said...

reality tv definitely comes up with gems...n yea feeling liberated is probably how we should feel when it happens...

frissko said...

symphonyofthesoul - the caption was meant to derived from 'dhobi ka kuttha na ghar ka na ghaat ka' :)...

plush - gems or no gems, it does have it's pile of takers...if so many watch raakhi sawant on you tube, that's a market far from saturaion...

symphonyofthesoul said...

Thinking of which, most of us, are like the Dhobi's dog. Some admit it, some dont.

Anonymous said...

Why do I get a feeling that you love to keep things complicated. Life's quite simple, actually. Just install the right processors in ur brain.

frissko said...

Anony - I tend to agree. I just need a good whacking. And a couple of those processors you mention :).

Anonymous said...

I think all you need is soni kudi. Once that happens, life will gain its perspective and sanity and no wishy washy stuff then.

theanalogkid said...

i think imagined angst is good. its kinda like a disaster recovery plan.

>> I wouldn't walk away from what i have, but would be relieved to be pushed out. It doesn't make sense. Or does it?

totally makes sense :) known devil being better than the unknown angel. and also no one can blame you since the choice wasn't yours. ;) that takes a big burden off and you kinda function a lot better when you are pushed out i think

Shuba said...

so why don't you ? leave behind what you don't care about, and go for what you do. its obvious that traveling is very close to your heart. you are single and not particularly tied down to place or money. what is stopping you ? why not go - live that alternate frame from your mind, the one you really care about, now ? (I know, I know - if it were only that simple...) still can't help saying it.

frissko said...

theanalogkid - yeah...totally!...

shubha - well, i say that to myself frequently :)...and i don't have a proper answer...i have some kind of plan in my head though...will implement it a million and a half years from now...

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August 30, 2009 12:34 AM

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