Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Current affairs

Life has been stagnant for a while. A few eventful things did happen. But they weren't very pretty. So at 29 you suddenly feel 95. You hate being in brood mode for too long. It is a viscious cycle. Negativity breeds more negativity. Forgive the cliche, but life is much simpler when it is a series of check boxes and you haven't started questioning things yet. You want to be in your class magazine's editorial board (just so that P thinks you're a cool chap). You want to score 90+ in math and science (just so that your dad could think for a fleeting moment that you're as smart as your sis). You want to be in your school's TT team for the Montfort tournament in Yercaud. You want to sit next to P and watch a movie in Kailasapuram Club (that never happened, but you're quite satisfied with just a smile from her while picking up your bicycle after the movie). You want to land an admit in a decent college. You want to land a job. Any job. Just to get you out of an unexpected tight spot that presented itself. You want to make peace with your sis for a nasty situation which is mostly your doing. Some things go your way. Some things dont. But you're happy when things go right and when you're sad you know exactly why.

But suddenly, the rest of the check boxes do not appeal to you. Or so you've managed to convince yourself. And you think you're in the wrong place doing the wrong things and time is just passing by.

When you have this vague dissatisfaction gnawing at you and you don't even know why, it is tragic. Now, you don't really know your problem, or, are you pretending? When you keep telling yourself that there is more to life than having a companion, are you being totally honest? Would you ever shed your ego and admit that you don't totally enjoy the idea of being by yourself most of the time, reading by the beach, travelling alone to Uttarkashi or Hampi or Kerala. That you'd rather that there is someone who tags along. Someone you could talk to, drink with, sleep with, share cigarrettes, darkness, life and secrets with. I am not a regular smoker, but sharing a cigarette with a companion does not sound too cancerous.

Shit!, did i sound too needy? I'll probably come back tomorrow, knock this post off and write a pseudo post about how it is so cool to be absolutely independent and on your own all the time. But until then, please deal with the honester version. Applications to fill the void are being accepted. You must be female, single and a shade crazy. Drinking, smoking and an appetite to travel are preferred qualities. We could replace alcohol with coffee and cigarrettes with biscuits, but it wouldnt be quite the same, would it? From my side, i promise to be nice, loyal and honest. I cut nails and hair very rarely and shave once a month utmost and have 35 grey coloured t-shirts. When i receive no applications, i'll start posting anonymous comments.


work in progress said...

somehow enjoyed your posts.why?i ask self.am feeling too lazy to think of an exact answer that would to justice to you.i smoked a bit in college,sometimes in the past when i wanted to be a bad girl? or was simply out being silly.As always,sharing a cigeratte with a companion appeals.
Visit me.

Mac said...

Hmm, you could probably consider conventional approach to life for a change :-) If that doesn't work even in a shorter-run, you could go back to the ways that's appealing to your mind.

PS - what's "conventional" is something we could discuss in person, lest you might think am meaning arranged marriage, parenting, so on and so forth :-)

Balai said...

Brutally honest post. A dilemma dogging many.

frissko said...

w.i.p - thanx...and yea, there is some unexplainable aura about sharing a cigarrette with someone on a dark terrace or a desolate beach...(for all that, i actually rarely smoke, always have a pack in hand though)..

mac - Beleive me i did think about it...but you cant get yourself to do certain things, the fixations are just too strong :)...

Balaji - thanx...

Trauma Queen said...

geez u sound such a such a people leaner!!

hmmm - where have i heard that one before


u know - ppl who have companions - crib about other stuff

so basically - whatever u do - if ur human - u will end up cribbing

life :P

mac said...

Fixations? That sounds too strong, and a bit loaded. Anyways, as long as you are clear about what's growing is all about && confident that the path you are taking isn't going to land you into a state of fixation, you must pursue it to the fullest.

frissko said...

Trauma - When the learned man said 'Whatever you say can be used against you', i should've listened!. And i didn't mean 'leaning' in a 'leaning for support' sense, meant it in a 'He is a left-leaning politician' kindof sense. Does that make sense? And about ppl and cribbing and companions and stuff, i'll paste from 'Solilowkey's' comment for an earlier post where i professed the opposite of what i said in this post (yeah, i have no claims to being consistent :).

"I think the perspectives change so drastically from person to person on this issue that there really is not much to conclude. I have seen married people wish they were single, single people lamenting that they need a companion, cloyingly sweet couples, seemingly distant couples.

Mac - I am just sure about the paths not to take :). About the paths to take, well, i would like to think no one can be too sure. You just trust your instincts and your gut and walk. And hope.