Finding love in 15 days...

Quick beautiful relationships happen only in the movies. The Holiday was depressing, in a really nice way.

Two women who are in a sad place in their respective lives swap places for a couple of weeks, and end up finding lurrve. I started watching the movie because it had Jude Law and Kate Winslet. If i were gay, Jude Law is someone i'd lust after. And you cannot not like Kate Winslet if you'd seen 'Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'.

I liked the idea. Swapping homes with a random stranger from a random geography in an attempt to deal with misery. Loved the openness with which Cameron Diaz and Jude Law go about their relationship. Bizzarely enough, they start out by having sex. Diaz floats the idea with these lines to a drunk Jude - "You know Graham, I just broke up with someone and considering you just showed up and you're insanely good-looking and probably won't remember me anyway... I'm thinking we should have sex... If you want"...A friend once told me a theory she read somewhere. If two people start sleeping with each other, after a point an emotional connect is inevitable, though there might've been none to start with. Much like how things usually work the other way round, minus the anxiety and the awkward moments. Animals are probably much smarter than we think. When a Barking deer fancies another Barking deer, i guess it probably doesn't start with a 'Hey i know a beautiful slope there that has really good grass, do you want to come along and graze there?'. Humans have complicated things beyond repair.

Loved the sensitivity with which they dealt with the Kate Winslet - Jack Black segment. But my favourite was the 'Kate - 90 yr old screen writer' equation. Very nicely done. But i wish they didn't make Jude's daughters 5 spoonfulls of sugar sweet.

The movie ends on a happy note with everybody dancing to a happy song on New years' eve. All that is nice, but I can't seem to take happiness at face value. Don't we all manage to find unhappiness in our own unique way?. Now, that sounds terrible. I need to get out and shop for positive vibes. Mountains shall be climbed and seas shall be swum in. Literally, i mean, those were'nt corny metaphors. When you are a few hundred metres inside the sea, floating on your back, being tossed around by the waves, with a view of the evening sky and the Thiruvanmiyur skyline (which is a bunch of old yellow flats), the world does seem perfect. Until a plastic cover that has lost it's way brushes against you, and you think it is a great white shark, lose your balance, and take in a mouthful of sea water...

Also, i learnt a new word from the movie. Gumption - Fortitude and determination; Sound practical judgement. I like the sound the word makes. Gumption...

Tipsy again..posting again...with apologies to the irate anonymous commenter of the previous post..

I usually go out with a bunch of guys. There is no future with them since i am straight. Or i meet married women or women with boyfriends, fiances and the like (the unavailable kind). I am most comfortable with them since there is no need to appear cool or impress or score brownie points. But at times i wish i was meeting a woman whose feet my feet touch under the table, while we pretend to have a serious conversation about communism or theoritical physics, neither of which either of us have a clue about, and go on and graduate to touching feet without having to pretend. I guess i am too old for such games. But is anybody too old for such games? I've been middle-aged in my head for a while now. I think in the period from 26 to 30, an average human ages a million and 11 years, give or take 3 years.Was chatting with P the other day. When we talk, the topic shifts to my singularity every once in a while. She says "Have an open mind da...u dont have to tell anyone its arranged...but try and meet ppl...u dont have to marry every girl u meet...or any girl for that matter...but its nice to yell at someone in the morning when ur back is killing u...just for that its worth spending a few hours buying someone coffee-tiffen". Wisdom, no?

I used to think blogs were written by sad people with no personal lives. And then i started blogging. I used to think orkut was inhabited by stupid flirtatious 20 somethings with nothing better to do. But then i joined orkut. Buying a house, spending lakhs on a concrete piece, used to be an unthinkable idea and that's exactly what i did recently. Metamorphosis or wishy-washiness, term it as you please. I used to think arranged marriages were acts of desperation that i couldn't relate to. I don't think so any more. I am not out in the market. But when a friend tries to hook me up with a random being that he/she knows, i don't turn it down the way i used to less than a year ago...

ps: TQ, see, i can be tipsy and talk only about myself too. Am not all that nice :).

Current affairs

Life has been stagnant for a while. A few eventful things did happen. But they weren't very pretty. So at 29 you suddenly feel 95. You hate being in brood mode for too long. It is a viscious cycle. Negativity breeds more negativity. Forgive the cliche, but life is much simpler when it is a series of check boxes and you haven't started questioning things yet. You want to be in your class magazine's editorial board (just so that P thinks you're a cool chap). You want to score 90+ in math and science (just so that your dad could think for a fleeting moment that you're as smart as your sis). You want to be in your school's TT team for the Montfort tournament in Yercaud. You want to sit next to P and watch a movie in Kailasapuram Club (that never happened, but you're quite satisfied with just a smile from her while picking up your bicycle after the movie). You want to land an admit in a decent college. You want to land a job. Any job. Just to get you out of an unexpected tight spot that presented itself. You want to make peace with your sis for a nasty situation which is mostly your doing. Some things go your way. Some things dont. But you're happy when things go right and when you're sad you know exactly why.

But suddenly, the rest of the check boxes do not appeal to you. Or so you've managed to convince yourself. And you think you're in the wrong place doing the wrong things and time is just passing by.

When you have this vague dissatisfaction gnawing at you and you don't even know why, it is tragic. Now, you don't really know your problem, or, are you pretending? When you keep telling yourself that there is more to life than having a companion, are you being totally honest? Would you ever shed your ego and admit that you don't totally enjoy the idea of being by yourself most of the time, reading by the beach, travelling alone to Uttarkashi or Hampi or Kerala. That you'd rather that there is someone who tags along. Someone you could talk to, drink with, sleep with, share cigarrettes, darkness, life and secrets with. I am not a regular smoker, but sharing a cigarette with a companion does not sound too cancerous.

Shit!, did i sound too needy? I'll probably come back tomorrow, knock this post off and write a pseudo post about how it is so cool to be absolutely independent and on your own all the time. But until then, please deal with the honester version. Applications to fill the void are being accepted. You must be female, single and a shade crazy. Drinking, smoking and an appetite to travel are preferred qualities. We could replace alcohol with coffee and cigarrettes with biscuits, but it wouldnt be quite the same, would it? From my side, i promise to be nice, loyal and honest. I cut nails and hair very rarely and shave once a month utmost and have 35 grey coloured t-shirts. When i receive no applications, i'll start posting anonymous comments.

Unrequited...

He wants her so bad that his entire life centres around her. Or so he thinks. For her, he is a very dear friend. But she can never return his love, on equal terms. He wants to hug her so tight that they be one. That no air pass between them. At times, she suffocates around him. And is too nice and polite to speak her mind.

They sit huddled. Under a thin ice shelter. In blazing sunlight. She feels miserably lonely. He feels lonely too. But just being around her is enough for him. To hang on and hope. She cant bring herself to hurt him. She cant get up and walk. Though a voice inside her head is screaming at her. Asking her to flee. Some day she will.

But why dont they sit at a table and talk. And not pretend. Why cant he confront her with what he truly wants. Why cant she tell him the truth. In honest unabridged terms. And bring his world crashing down. So that he can grow up. So that he can pick up the pieces and move on. Nobody totally moves on. But the process would've atleast begun. And maybe, a semblance of the friendship they used to share can be salvaged.

Seven year itch

A lil drunk. Again. Seven years gone since i started work. Dint notice the date when it passed. (Aug 16th). Realized it a lil later. Not that it matters. Making serious plans to take a break. Atleast for 3 to 6 months. From Jan or April next year. Will go to Uttarkashi, Varanasi, some parts of NE India and a few sanctuaries i want to go to. Want to do a few things before i hit 30. Dont trust my back to be good enuf to do the things i want to do beyond a certain age. The sooner i do those stuff, the better. If i dont get such a long vacation i'll quit.

 

Drank with Binu at good old Casablanca. Booze trips with him have reduced after his marriage. He keeps telling me good things about being married and eggs me on to do something about my singularity. I might grow to become this 40 year old morose, irritable, single guy (well, i dont think life wud come to that, but the 'single' part might come true). But i cant bring myself to seek company in unnatural ways just to avoid regrets i might have in a hypothetical future. For now it is just work, books, booze and the faithful beach in my backyard.

Lonely planet??...

A part of a particular song has been constantly ringing in my head for over a week now..

it is from a soon-to-be-released tamil movie 'Pudhupaettai'... (a Selvaraghavan/Dhanush/

Yuvan Shankar Raja combo)...

 

"iruttinilae nee nadakkayilae un nizhalum unnai vittu vilagividum,

 nee mattum thaan indha ulaginila unakku thunai ena vilangividum.

 theeyoadu pogum varaiyil,

theeraadhu indha thanimai..."

 

which translates to

 

"when you are walking in the dark, even your shadow deserts you,

 you'd realize you are your only companion in this world.

 until you reduce to ashes,

this solitude would not end..."

 

And at many levels, this made a lot of sense...

 

And then i went to my sister's picture uploads in flickr...she had an album called 'Takes two

to tango' with a random set of twosomy pictures (like a pair of feet, she and her husband, she

and me, she and her dog etc)...for the album's description, she had a Ray Charles song...

 

"You can get very old by yourself
Catch a fish or a cold by yourself
Dig a ditch or strike it rich
all by yourself
There are lots of things that
you can do alone
But it takes two to tango
Two to tango
Two to do the dance of love.

It Takes two, I say two
Darling it always takes two
I’m with you

- Ray Charles."

 

And this made a lot of sense too:)....